Let the mermaids in my teacup distract us for a while



Corporate Battlefield

I remember having this conversation with you once before, only you weren’t around that time. 

It played out alot like this too, with me at my desk, not looking up until you moved towards me with the increasing momentum of a meteor entering Earth’s gravitational field. You even blotted out the sun momentarily before the devastation began. All I could do was give you this same pleading look, hoping you would reconsider the pending outburst due to the crowd of people meters away. 

Ah. just like that time…No… such.. luck..

As you narrow your eyes and suck air in through your snarl, I don’t need to look around to know that everyone is watching us. I brace for impact.

As predicted, your well-prepared speech begins and your voice is like a crack of lightning across a silent sky. It causes all of us to flinch involuntarily and stare at you without blinking or closing our mouths properly again. I feel myself staring stupidly at you as you release the same verbal avalanche on me that many of the onlookers have been ploughed over by before. The words “useless” and “braindead” are screeched in higher pitches, and my inability to collate reports and serve coffee while it’s still hot are highlighted. I feel the room filling with the sympathy of my colleagues. 

Now, when I played this out previously, this is not how this conversation went. In THAT one, I cut you off midsentence with a steely glare and my most level tone of voice. It was brilliant. I reminded you that I am not your fucking assistant just because I have breasts, and that I rewrote your entire report for you because it was a load of crap that would cost us that client. The boss was in earshot, too, which you hadn’t realised until I pointed him out. I closed my retaliation by telling you to make your own coffee and watch your mouth around my workspace. 

Yes, we have had this conversation before, and you should have been there that time. You don’t get to hear any of that now. Instead, I’m quietly enduring this nipple-twisting and nodding numbly at everything you say until you run out of steam and finally fuck off.

Everyone takes great care to not look at me once you’re gone. I miserably eat the rest of my Rolos and flash forward to our next conversation. You won’t be around for that one either. Pity…. that’s the one where I admit that your badly collated report had the word “cuntcake” hidden in it…… and that cold coffee I served you was laced with laxatives. 

Enduring the Marathon…. For The Rest Of Us 

The Two Oceans Marathon. One of Cape Town’s biggest events of the year. Every Easter weekend (the Saturday), thousands of runners, shitload kilometres… And a real pain in the tit if you live anywhere along the carefully plotted course that runs down the main road of a series of residential areas and assumed you would be sleeping til sunrise on your long weekend. Like me. 

And just in case you aren’t sure what time to expect the stampede, fear not! As they have enormous speakers blaring music thoughtfully situated along the sidewalks to announce the arrival… The ETA in my neighbourhood being around 5.30am (I mentioned that its the Saturday, right?). 

So! With no escape from it and no chance of getting to bed til they are gone, I have put together a list of time fillers – guaranteeing you will enjoy the marathon as much as the thousands of bouncing jelly beans flattening your front lawn. All you will need is two trusty amigos, a bottle of shots and a little imagination!

Ready? Set. Goooo get coffee mugs to disguise the shots. Trust me. 

THE 10m MUFASA RELAY – after some responsible warm up exercises and a positive tequila gameface inducer, see who can run across the street, touch the lamppost and run back the fastest. This will require good timing and a fearless approach, in style of Mufasa in The Lion King. Beware though! These wildebeest slap hard.

RUNNING SUMO SELFIES — whip out those old sumo suits you KNEW you would use again someday, put them on, do tequila and set off!! The one who gets the least blurry running selfie wins! Again.. Beware the photobombing slappyslap.

SURPRISE FLASH MOB – thousands of people in the same place, you know this has to happen AND they brought their own boom box! Finish bottle, spread out and get that crowd dancing! Extreme slapping expected, use it in your choreography for extra points, champ! Feel free to keep the sumo outfits  on for protection. 

COLLECT THE NUMBERS – use your best spy skills for this daring challenge. See who can collect the most number IDs off the runners’ vests before expected arrival at secret rendezvous point. 

See? When it comes to sporting events, you can’t help but feel inspired to participate. Dont be shy, get out there and go for gold. Olmeca Gold. Silver works too. You are all winners. 

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