The Two Oceans Marathon. One of Cape Town’s biggest events of the year. Every Easter weekend (the Saturday), thousands of runners, shitload kilometres… And a real pain in the tit if you live anywhere along the carefully plotted course that runs down the main road of a series of residential areas and assumed you would be sleeping til sunrise on your long weekend. Like me. 

And just in case you aren’t sure what time to expect the stampede, fear not! As they have enormous speakers blaring music thoughtfully situated along the sidewalks to announce the arrival… The ETA in my neighbourhood being around 5.30am (I mentioned that its the Saturday, right?). 

So! With no escape from it and no chance of getting to bed til they are gone, I have put together a list of time fillers – guaranteeing you will enjoy the marathon as much as the thousands of bouncing jelly beans flattening your front lawn. All you will need is two trusty amigos, a bottle of shots and a little imagination!

Ready? Set. Goooo get coffee mugs to disguise the shots. Trust me. 

THE 10m MUFASA RELAY – after some responsible warm up exercises and a positive tequila gameface inducer, see who can run across the street, touch the lamppost and run back the fastest. This will require good timing and a fearless approach, in style of Mufasa in The Lion King. Beware though! These wildebeest slap hard.

RUNNING SUMO SELFIES — whip out those old sumo suits you KNEW you would use again someday, put them on, do tequila and set off!! The one who gets the least blurry running selfie wins! Again.. Beware the photobombing slappyslap.

SURPRISE FLASH MOB – thousands of people in the same place, you know this has to happen AND they brought their own boom box! Finish bottle, spread out and get that crowd dancing! Extreme slapping expected, use it in your choreography for extra points, champ! Feel free to keep the sumo outfits  on for protection. 

COLLECT THE NUMBERS – use your best spy skills for this daring challenge. See who can collect the most number IDs off the runners’ vests before expected arrival at secret rendezvous point. 

See? When it comes to sporting events, you can’t help but feel inspired to participate. Dont be shy, get out there and go for gold. Olmeca Gold. Silver works too. You are all winners.